Post # 6

A mom has daydreams & aspirations too

I don’t really know where else to write this?  I figured here is better than no where - or on some slip of paper I am sure to lose. 

Right now I am about 3 or so weeks away from having our second child.  I am terrified, nervous, excited, and full of imaginative thoughts about what life may be like with another child.  We do not know if baby is a boy or a girl, so the images are so scattered.    Which I believe is actually better than having a set plan. 

When I found out I was pregnant with Mia I had the same reactions.  I also had this vision of what I wanted life to be like.  The house we would live in, the travels we would take, the museums we would see together.  So far I have done nothing but disappoint myself.  We do not live in that house.  We never travel.  We never go to museums.  As a matter of fact, life is actually rather unfulfilling.  I am not saying it’s terrible - because it’s not.  It’s just - average.  There seems to be no spark.  I can tell my Mia’s own moods that she is a little bored. We play the same games, read the same books, walk the same streets, slide the same slides, visit the same stores, day after day after day.  I try to see new things, but lately, it’s just rater mundane.  It’s these days when I crave redecorating our house, but then that just turns into another struggle where the house we have is no where near that silly vision I still have in my head.  Truthfully, we need more space.  I love where we live - it’s beautiful.  We’re near the water, parks, trails ... but that city living is hardly there.  It’s an hour to travel to a museum.  There are few nice coffee shops, boutiques, nooks to browse in.  Of course we wouldn’t have the capital to actually support this lifestyle I have visioned out.  Living in the city is expensive.  So what are all these other people doing?

My hubby works odd shifts - one week of regular, one week of nights.  We went to The Home Depot and passed by the string of chain restaurants - patios filled with business folk at 2:30 in the afternoon.  He wondered what it is they do.  How is it all these people are off on such a beautiful afternoon, and he still has to go to work in an hour? Frankly, I have no idea.  All I do know is, chances are they took risks! To live without risk is to live a rather bubble wrapped life.  Sure it’s safe, but you hardly get to truly live. 

My hubby and a co-worker have recently started up an odd business.  I don’t want to mention what it is here, but I will say, I do not understand why anyone would want to do this job!  When I talk to him he never sounds excited about it.  There’s no passion in it, and from experience, a business without passion will never succeed.  I tried it - it flunked.  My hubby loves business, stocks, money-matters & real-estate.  I have tried numerous times chatting him up about the potential of being a business realtor. He loves the idea, but it feels risky.  There’s little stability in it.  No benefits.  No pension.  But I KNOW he would kick some serious business -butt in the field - because he has passion for it!! I am very willing to set aside family vacations, renos (except the desperately needed kitchen) and time with us to see him succeed at something he’s truly passionate about. 

This got me thinking though ... Mia will be 2 in July - I have tried my hand at being a Photographer - which of course I am not passionate about, and therefore let die.  I still have this silly vision of my life, and it never includes being a stay-at-home-mom.  I have bigger things to do still.  I want to work from home though - for the most part.  I would be very willing to work 3 days a week for someone else, but I want to succeed in my other ventures too.  Once my children are in school ... I don’t want to look back on 7 years and wonder what happened to me? Where did I leave that person?  I want that single girl, who was full of life, happiness and adventure to grow with these babies. 

How do I do that though? I don’t have a nanny, so the children are generally mine all day and usually all night (although Mia now sleeps in her own bed for at least 7 hours a night) My hubby has this ‘daddy freedom’ - the freedom to make plans without thought to what he may have to do with a child on his hip all day.  It’s an automatic assumption that the stay-at-home-mom - literally STAYS AT HOME - ALL THE TIME! Unless of course it is to pick up groceries, or other family related errands.  Losing yourself in this role is extremely easy.  It’s thrust upon you once you decide to be a mum. 

How do I allow my own growth? I think it’s rather important too - Mia & her sibling will only learn from what they see.  So far they (she) sees a girl who is a little sad, tries to look happy.  They see that daydreams do not actually get you very far.  They see disappointment.  They do not just see this in me, but their dad too.  It’s a repeat of my own childhood.  My dad is one of the smartest men I know - he wasted 40 plus years putting in time in a factory.  My mom, who has more talents than she likes to admit, and pretends she too stupid to do, spent years hoping to be a work-at-home mom, but instead worked for other people who never really saw her as the talent she really is. 

I do not want this to be a repeat of them.  I want more than that.  I want my own children not to pity their parents.  I want to have a life they desire to have, not run away from.  So this is why I have these images in my head, and I won’t let them go.  I have to understand though, that although there may be parts of that life that are not feasible, the basis of that is not about the material parts.  It is about the emotional part.  I have to let some of the vision go - the house, the museums, the vacations - and re-focus on the actual living and loving part.  I do believe in order to do that I do need to keep me in part of the lime light of my life, otherwise I become lost, sad, and do make for a good mom, friend or wife.  You can not love a shell of a person. 

I could write this forever ... and maybe one day I will not just be writing about the vision.  I will be writing about the actions. 

For now though - I just need a good rest.  I think this lack of good sleep is really starting to catch up on me.